Children and Teens Program

Helpful Hints For Parents of Teenage Boys (or Girls)
Who've Been Sexually Assaulted

A sexual assault can be very disruptive to a teenager's sense of safety, well-being and confidence in herself. Your daughter will heal from this event to the extent that she receives support and understanding. You can help her in the following ways:

Connect with an advocate or counselor who specializes in recovery from sexual assault. You need and deserve support and guidance over the coming weeks.

Take care of yourself. Teens are often very aware of the pain of their parents. If you are falling apart, your son will have to be strong and delay his healing. Get support for yourself. Your son will learn a lot about coping and self care by watching you over the next few weeks. Choose healthy coping strategies like planning fun events, eating well, exercising, watching funny movies, being out in nature, listening to relaxing music, talking to good friends, etc.

Help your son realize that men do get raped -- there is nothing about him that brought this on. Scientific studies show that men are just as likely as women not to fight when faced with a sexual assault. There was nothing your son could have done to prevent this. Most men who rape men and boys are heterosexual. This act was not about sexual preference; it was bout power, domination, and violence.

It is rare for a victim of sexual assault not to be overwhelmed by self-blame and shame. If only I hadn't... Your son will need you to reassure him over and over that no matter what he was doing, he didn't deserve to be raped. It was not his fault. Remember, the shame and blame for the assault belongs to his assailant.

Your son will probably experience mood swings over the next few weeks. He may lose his appetite or have trouble sleeping. He will also be very sensitive. A sexual assault creates a circus image mirror that blows up negatives and makes positives seem very small. Your negative messages will sound very loud to him and your positive messages will be faint. Exaggerate your expressions of love. As well as they hide it, all teens hunger for the love and approval of their parents -- it is their primary motivation.

You will have a natural desire to protect your son at every moment. Try to avoid being overly protective -- this will only reinforce his fears of the world as an unsafe place and will cause him to doubt his ability to make good decisions for himself.

Often times teens cover up a part of the assault because they were doing something, or their friends were doing something or going somewhere they weren't supposed to. This is very common. Allow your son a way out. Let him know you still love him and you're just glad he's safe. Discussions about making good decisions and trust can take place later. Chances are very good that he has learned his lesson and doesn't need to be reminded -- quite on the contrary he needs to regain his confidence.

Resist strong urges to become involved in the work of the police. You are your child's parent, let the police do the police work. Your child needs you to be there to love and support him. Your involvement in the legal outcome may cause undue anxiety for him.

Sexual assault is an out of control experience, you can help your son regain his sense of control by giving him the power to make important and not so important choices for himself (from what to have for dinner to whether to call the police). He should be in control of who is going to be told about what happened and how to tell them.

Depression in adolescents looks different from depression in adults -- it often involves substance use, high risk behaviors, acting out, stealing, etc. If your son exhibits these symptoms, seek professional help. Remember, when kids feel ugly, they act ugly.

Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) commonly experienced after an assault include general numbness, being very anxious, and being consumed with what happened. These symptoms go away with time, but can feel pretty overwhelming and crazy when present. Your son may need some special accommodations over the next few weeks at school. Subjects like foreign language and math that involve a lot of memorization will be the most difficult. A counselor can help work with teachers. Don't let teachers say he is just being lazy. Coping with a sexual assault takes a lot of energy; it's exhausting.

Your son may need a few days off from school to regain his physical and emotional strength. If the other students know what happened or the assailant was someone in the school, meet with the school principal or counselor to develop a plan for support. Your son should have someone designated as a support person to go to if he needs to leave class.

A sexual assault, while a horrible violent experience, does not have to have only a negative impact. This can be a time for your daughter and you to discover your strengths and learn how to cope with adversity. Many people have made positive changes in their lives after experiencing a sexual assault. You don't have control over the fact that this happened to you, but you do have control over your healing.

(Information compiled by Maggie Dexheimer Pharris, MS, MPH, RN)

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