Children and Teens Program

Helpful Hints For Parents of Teenage Girls (or Boys)
Who've Been Sexually Assaulted

A sexual assault can be very disruptive to a teenager's sense of safety, well-being and confidence in herself. Your daughter will heal from this event to the extent that she receives support and understanding. You can help her in the following ways: Connect with an advocate or counselor who specializes in recovery from sexual assault. Your whole family will benefit from this support. You can also get books like Recovery From Rape by Dr. Linda Ledray to guide you in your recovery.

Take care of yourself. Teens are often very aware of the pain of their parents. Your daughter will learn a lot about coping and self care by watching you over the next few weeks. Choose healthy coping strategies like planning fun events, eating well, exercising, watching funny movies, being out in nature, listening to relaxing music, talking to good friends, etc.

It is rare for a victim of sexual assault not to be overwhelmed by self-blame. If only I hadn't... Your daughter will need you to reassure her over and over that no matter what she was doing, she didn't deserve to be raped. It was not her fault. Remember, the blame for the assault belongs to her assailant.

Your daughter will probably experience mood swings over the next few weeks. She may lose her appetite and have trouble sleeping. She will also be very sensitive. A sexual assault creates a circus image mirror that blows up negatives and makes positives seem very small. Your negative messages will sound very loud to her and your positive messages will be faint. Exaggerate your expressions of love. As well as they hide it, all teens hunger for the love and approval of their parents -- it is their primary motivation.

You will have a natural desire to protect your daughter at every moment. Try to avoid being overly protective -- this will only reinforce her fears of the world as an unsafe place and will cause her to doubt her ability to make good decisions for herself.

Often times teens cover up a part of the assault because they were doing something, or their friends were doing something or going somewhere they weren't supposed to. This is very common. Allow your daughter a way out. Let her know you still love her and you're just glad she's safe. Discussions about making good decisions and trust can take place later. Chances are very good that she has learned her lesson and doesn't need to be reminded -- quite on the contrary she needs to regain her confidence.

Since sexual assault is an out of control experience, you can help your daughter regain her sense of control by giving her the power to make important and not so important choices for herself. She should be in control of who is going to be told what happened and how.

Your daughter is going to be more sensitive over the next few weeks. After an assault, most victims report that they thought everyone was looking at them funny or saying things about them. Listen to her feelings and be supportive.

Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) commonly experienced after an assault include general numbness, being very anxious, and being consumed with what happened. These symptoms go away with time, but can feel pretty overwhelming and crazy when present. Your daughter may need some special accommodations over the next few weeks at school. Subjects like foreign language and math that involve a lot of memorization will be the most difficult. A counselor can help work with teachers. Don't let teachers say she is just being lazy. Coping with a sexual assault takes a lot of energy; it's exhausting.

Your daughter may need a few days off from school to regain her physical and emotional strength. If the other students know what happened or the assailant was someone in the school, meet with the school principal or counselor to develop a plan for support. Your daughter should have someone designated as a support person she can go to if she needs to leave class.

A sexual assault, while a horrible violent experience, does not have to have only a negative impact. This can be a time for your daughter and you to discover your strengths and learn how to cope with adversity. Many people have made positive changes in their lives after experiencing a sexual assault. You don't have control over the fact that this happened to you, but you do have control over your healing.

(Information compiled by Maggie Dexheimer Pharris, MS, MPH, RN)

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